I know why God whispers.
Over the past year, the pain, depression, anxiety along with joy, peace, and understanding ebb and flowed as naturally as ocean waves in my life. This weekend, I found myself riding the waves across the whole spectrum. Friday night, an unexpected “event” led to anger, exchanged words, and hurt feelings all around. After the kids left Saturday, the house was quiet and I was alone. The silence felt like despair and I told God I am exhausted of dealing with the cards life dealt. Today, I found myself in the midst of absolute joy as one of the kids came running up to me at church, wrapped his arms around my leg and threw his hands up to ask me to pick him up. At small group, I found myself crying along side another couple who have had their fair share of seemingly unbearable difficulties recently.
Saturday night was special because I told God that it would just be easier if God took my life. Not that I am suicidal. Just hear me out because I want to share something absolutely incredible. God knew exactly what I was feeling and he lead me to 1 Kings 19. At this point in the scriptures, the prophet Elijah had battled the prophets of Baal and won. Elijah had also called for a drought and God allowed it to happen. He was serious business. And yet, in 1 Kings 19, Elijah captured these thoughts down:
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”
And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And Elijah looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again.
And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”